The approach of the autumnal equinox tomorrow puts me in mind of restoring balance in life, in this case the balance that comes from knowing when to move on in an intimate relationship or marriage.
It’s a simple and irrefutable truth, unhappiness kills. Over the long haul it can be deadly and I have the hospice patients to prove it. All to often as my patients tell the narrative of their lives, grief over having stayed too long in an unhappy marriage is an all too common theme.
With a divorce rate at 50% knowing when to leave may not seem cause for concern and surely knowing when to stay and work it out is an art form all its own. But that is not my focus this morning. Nor am I speaking of staying in a relationship due to extreme domestic violence. Both of those are topics for another day. This equinox I am contemplating the inertia, the fear that keeps a person locked in a situation that sucks the life’s blood out of them, all of them…body, mind, and spirit.
Why do we do this? Why do we stay in a situation, dying slowly as the body inevitably responds to the emptiness of heart that has us shuffling along in the land of the living dead?
Lots of reasons, of course. Money, the kids, fear that we’ll never find love again or worse, that we don’t deserve to do so.
All of these reasons have varying degrees of merit. After all having no where to go and no means of support would give anyone pause. Divorce’s impact on a child is a legitimate concern, although the lesson of a slow death from emotional misery is not one we wish to teach our children either. And Goddess knows, if our spouse or lover has been telling us for years that we’re worthless and should feel lucky that anyone puts up with us, that internalized message can be immobilizing, even unto a premature death.
I submit that there is another reason why we may linger in intimate relationships long past what is healthy. It is what I call the “myth of the failed relationship”. If a relationship has fulfilled its karmic purpose, if we have learned the lessons we came together to learn, brought into this world the children we were destined to bring forth, or done what we otherwise would not have done without our spouse/partner then the ending of that union is not a failure. It is, in fact, a sign of no small degree of spiritual awareness and evolution to recognize this and then have the courage to move on, amicably.
It is oft noted that all of life, history itself, seems to be speeding up, changing and evolving ever more quickly. If so, then naturally this would apply to relationships as well. It is my observation and experience that we are resolving our karma with others more quickly and that therefore, we do ourselves a disservice to label the ending of an intimate relationship a failure. This is particularly so when that once sexual union is allowed and encouraged to evolve into something else, preferably a deep and abiding friendship and if not that, at least one in which we thank the other person for the lessons learned and wish her/him well.
Will there be tears and some heartache through that transition? Likely. But consider the sad and potentially terminal alternative.
Like the trees dropping their leaves all around us there comes a time to let go of that which has served its sacred purpose and to prepare for the new life waiting to be born. This fall may we each have the grace to know when that time has come and the courage to do as the trees do and let go.
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